Of fairy tales and happy endings  

Posted by: thea gonzales in ,



Nothing is done entirely for nothing. Nothing is wasted. Take what you have learned and move on.

I am the kind of lady who dreams of marrying someone whom I have been with for yeeeears. I always envied those couples who have been together for more than 6 years and still manage to be strong and in love. And that was actually how I thought things are going to be. That was how I imagined things would be like... Like a fairy tale with a happy ending. But no... Reality struck so fast and pound me in the head and woke me up. When never in my wildest dreams would I expect a moment like this in my life, it actually happened. For me, I don't deserve to be going through this. And that's what I truly feel. But who am I to dictate on what should happen right?

I have never been hurt as much as this before. Sure, I have gone through a break- up around 2 years ago, but it was never this painful. But I guess this pain is what is going to make me go through this phase faster. The pain is indescribable. Ripping- your- heart- out kind of pain is an understatement. Believe me, there's nothing quite like it. When you shut your eyes, memories keep playing back. When you open them on the other hand, you get hit by reality that it is forever gone.

If there's one thing, however, that I could remember from this moment of my life, it is: Trauma. All I can think of are these: a) If a good start just like that can turn into this big of a mess then there's a possibility that the next 'good start' will turn out just the same. Or b) If that knight in shining armor can turn into a jerk in the end, then the next 'knights in shining armor' can turn out just the same. These thoughts keep coming back whenever I think of me getting into a relationship again. It's like now, I don't believe in happy endings anymore. Someday, somewhere, somehow people will hurt me whether they intend to do it or not. And when I think about the pain that they may cause me, I just go back to thinking that happy endings may never exist in my life.

Positivity and optimism are my weapons of choice right now. Yes, sometimes I do feel sad, mad, bitter and all the negative feelings there are, but at the end of the day, I just try to keep the positivity and optimism back. I just remind myself that things may not be going through the way I planned them to be, but I am sure whatever this is, it is part of God's awesome plan in my life. As I would always tell my friends, 'You may not understand why things are happening the way they do now, but in the end you will. So be strong to be able to go to the end of this and have faith.' And now I believe that same line applies to me. To be honest, I have no idea why this thing is happening to me. I can't think of any good reason why such a great and awesome God would let her daughter go through this kind of situation. I really don't. I mean, come to think of it, was it wrong to love someone with all your heart? Or was it bad to give someone your all? In my opinion, no. But hey, someone thinks it is otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation.

Right now, I have tons of questions in my mind that are left unanswered(And may forever remain that way unless I ask that person directly or I seek for more but unfortunately I cannot do both anymore); I have no updates nor any new information about him anymore because I know it will be for my own good (It will help me move on faster); And, I still have no idea why this is happening (and that's the truth).

It's been awhile already..19 days to be exact and I want to make myself believe that I'm almost halfway to getting back at my feet. Just a few more weeks and I will be just as normal as everyone else. After all, Life goes on and I have no choice but to go with it.



P.S.

If YOU are reading this- which is close to impossible but I'm still taking a shot- I just want to say, I still have lots of questions. Right now, I don't need love, sympathy or even a hug, I just need answers. My mind does not rest, and you know that. If you offer answers, then I'm gladly welcoming you. Lies are the last thing I need right now, it's only closure I'm after. Big thanks! See you around!


**Picture from: Google

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WEIRDO  

Posted by: thea gonzales in ,


**Photo from: Patty Mendoza's Tumblr

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YEY! Summer vacay!  

Posted by: thea gonzales in , ,

.....Err, Not.

Brief background on my summer 'VACAY':
Immediately after 2nd semester, I started out my internship at Mercury Drug Corporation for 10 days. Then I took my summer classes for Physical Pharmacy (April19- May22). Today I started again with my internship at MDC (which will end exactly on June6) then on June 7, classes starts again. :(

Oh yea. I'm such a loser. I have never been anywhere but MDC, school, house, and occasionally mall. I hate this vacay ever. :(

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I hate.  

Posted by: thea gonzales in , ,

I hate the way you smile.
I hate the way you talk.
I hate the way you dress.
I hate the way you react when you're mad.
I hate the way you handle your problems.
I hate how I can be so clingy at times.
I hate how I easily miss you.
I hate how I care too much about you.
I hate the way you make me feel when you're around even more when you're not.
I hate this strong feeling I have for you.
I hate how even with all of these, I still love you.

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Happy hearts day!  

Posted by: thea gonzales in



02.13.2010 The love celebration thingy started last Saturday when Jake's siblings invited me to a house dinner. It was so funny 'cause the attire was formal daw! Haha. I even told my friend about it and said I'm gonna buy a corsage and a boutonniere for me and Jake. But of course, I was just kidding. :P I thought it was just their gimik but when we arrived at their place, his brother and her sister's husband were wearing Amerikana! They were so cool. :)) The food that night was superb. Though I'm not a fan of mashed potatoes, I loved their version of it and the soup of course. :) Thanks Nuguid siblings for inviting me! :)

02.14.2010 Jake went to service with me and my parents to Alabang then my parents treated the both of us to a sumptuous lunch (Yey!). The day ended with the fireworks at MOA. Best valentine's date ever! :)


**Real pictures will come later when Jake uploads them. :)

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My dream 21st birthday party  

Posted by: thea gonzales in

2 years ago, I had the chance to celebrate my 18th birthday (Yuck! I'm getting old. :| ). It was how I really wanted it to be like- swimming party with close friends. But after going to different debuts, I realized I should have done a real party. I want the thrill of going to couturiers and having my gown designed, of thinking of what cake, theme and souvenirs my party would have, and all that stuff. I know it's weird for a girl to celebrate her 21st birthday, but who cares. This is my birthday. :))


Dream theme: Barbie- reinvent Barbie's looks
I remember Preview's 'Best dressed ball 2009' where everyone dressed up like Ken or Barbie. I like that too. I want the whole place to be lit up in neon pink and white lights. The whole theme would be like pink, black and white.

YEY! I'm excited! :D

**I can't find pictures of Preview's Best dressed ball 2009. All i know is it is in Preview July 2009. Hmmm.. who has a copy?

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Rough stuff  

Posted by: thea gonzales in ,



When you get overwhelmed, take a deep breath and just take it one step at a time. Mile by mile., life's a trial. Yard by yard, life is hard. But inch by inch, life's a cinch.


The past week of my life has been, I must say, one of the worst that I've ever experienced in my life. What I went through was something I thought I would never go through at this early age. The thought of it never even crossed my mind. But I am so grateful that it is officially over.

There were nights that I wasn't able to sleep because I kept on waking up in the middle of the night thinking of what happened to me and what will happen to my life. Those were the times that my whole life kept on replaying in my mind. It felt so surreal. Everyone I know in my life kept on flashing in my mind. I thought of ending my life or just sit in one corner and do nothing since I believed I was a loser. But I also thought, doing those things would just make me a REAL loser so I did otherwise. I refrained myself from thinking of negative thoughts and just continued fighting and holding on to dear life. Though I know, there were times that I failed and even published my negative thoughts for the world wide web to know.

Going through this rough stuff made me a better person. I know it sounds cliche but that's how it felt like. I know I wouldn't have survived it without God. He was the only one I could talk to since I was too shy to share it with other people. Plus, I know with God my secret was safe. He has no one to share my problems to, right? Haha. That's the nicest thing about that. :)) I actually learned lessons in life because of what I had to go through and here are some of them:

1.) People are flawed individuals.
I've learned that I will never ever find someone in life who will be perfect and who will be the ideal person for me (Okay, I'm not referring to a boyfriend here but people in general). I might find one person to be better than the other, but that person who I thought was better is just another person who makes mistakes. That sometime in my life, I will realize that this person is a flawed individual who may also fail me at times. Now, as almost all of you know, I'm a perfectionist. I like things to be in perfect order, in the perfect place and in the perfect condition. When people don't do things the way I told them to, I tend to get mad at them. I get frustrated pretty easily. I expect people to react the way I expect them to react and to do things the way I want them to. But I learned that this is not the way it is in the real world. People have different behavior and personality. Not all of them will do things the way I do them. I have to keep in mind that I too, as a person, is flawed and isn't perfect. And that people also get frustrated with the things I do. I'v finally learned that this is the way to understand other people more.

2.) Don't do things on impulse.
I've also learned that I should always think twice or even thrice when I want to do something especially if that involves my feelings. I'm the kind of person who has a set of rules that I live by. But what's disappointing is when crunch time comes, I tend to do otherwise. It's like I have 2 personalities, one that is goody- goody(idealistic side) and one that is kinda wild (realistic side). I tend to use my heart more rather than my brain. And this causes me to do things I know I'm not supposed to do, things that I know I will regret in the end. Now, I thank God because He helped me realize this now and not in the time that is too late. A time wherein I couldn't do anything anymore but to suffer and face my consequences.

And lastly;

3.) People always leave. ALWAYS.
Err...this wa where I got it all wrong. Last week I felt that I will never find someone who will forever be there, who will never leave me. I believed that, in one way or another, they will find ways to leave me. It's either they will slowly detach themselves from me and will slowly drift apart from our relationship (friendship, bf-gf relationship, etc.) or they will just leave me hanging. Bam. Just like that, like we were never in good terms before. Thinking this way made me a bit cold in dealing with people. I didn't want to disclose myself or to be close too much with people so when they leave, I won't get hurt that much. In this way, goodbyes won't be a big deal anymore. It would be just like a breeze. But as I've said, I got the wrong notion. This isn't the way things are in the real world because in the real world, I have no choice but to share my life and my feelings with people or else I will be a loner- a person with no friends, just acquaintances. I also forgot that there will be persons who will choose to stay no matter what, that there will be persons who will be willing to go through whatever it is that I have to go through. And one of these persons, are my friends..my true friends. This group of friends was one of the persons that kept me sane. No matter how far they were, they still tried to reach out and to comfort me. And that's the most important thing, to make others feel that, 'Hey, I'm here'. And that's what I'm thankful for. :)

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