Nothing is done entirely for nothing. Nothing is wasted. Take what you have learned and move on.
I am the kind of lady who dreams of marrying someone whom I have been with for yeeeears. I always envied those couples who have been together for more than 6 years and still manage to be strong and in love. And that was actually how I thought things are going to be. That was how I imagined things would be like... Like a fairy tale with a happy ending. But no... Reality struck so fast and pound me in the head and woke me up. When never in my wildest dreams would I expect a moment like this in my life, it actually happened. For me, I don't deserve to be going through this. And that's what I truly feel. But who am I to dictate on what should happen right?
I have never been hurt as much as this before. Sure, I have gone through a break- up around 2 years ago, but it was never this painful. But I guess this pain is what is going to make me go through this phase faster. The pain is indescribable. Ripping- your- heart- out kind of pain is an understatement. Believe me, there's nothing quite like it. When you shut your eyes, memories keep playing back. When you open them on the other hand, you get hit by reality that it is forever gone.
If there's one thing, however, that I could remember from this moment of my life, it is: Trauma. All I can think of are these: a) If a good start just like that can turn into this big of a mess then there's a possibility that the next 'good start' will turn out just the same. Or b) If that knight in shining armor can turn into a jerk in the end, then the next 'knights in shining armor' can turn out just the same. These thoughts keep coming back whenever I think of me getting into a relationship again. It's like now, I don't believe in happy endings anymore. Someday, somewhere, somehow people will hurt me whether they intend to do it or not. And when I think about the pain that they may cause me, I just go back to thinking that happy endings may never exist in my life.
Positivity and optimism are my weapons of choice right now. Yes, sometimes I do feel sad, mad, bitter and all the negative feelings there are, but at the end of the day, I just try to keep the positivity and optimism back. I just remind myself that things may not be going through the way I planned them to be, but I am sure whatever this is, it is part of God's awesome plan in my life. As I would always tell my friends, 'You may not understand why things are happening the way they do now, but in the end you will. So be strong to be able to go to the end of this and have faith.' And now I believe that same line applies to me. To be honest, I have no idea why this thing is happening to me. I can't think of any good reason why such a great and awesome God would let her daughter go through this kind of situation. I really don't. I mean, come to think of it, was it wrong to love someone with all your heart? Or was it bad to give someone your all? In my opinion, no. But hey, someone thinks it is otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation.
Right now, I have tons of questions in my mind that are left unanswered(And may forever remain that way unless I ask that person directly or I seek for more but unfortunately I cannot do both anymore); I have no updates nor any new information about him anymore because I know it will be for my own good (It will help me move on faster); And, I still have no idea why this is happening (and that's the truth).
It's been awhile already..19 days to be exact and I want to make myself believe that I'm almost halfway to getting back at my feet. Just a few more weeks and I will be just as normal as everyone else. After all, Life goes on and I have no choice but to go with it.
If YOU are reading this- which is close to impossible but I'm still taking a shot- I just want to say, I still have lots of questions. Right now, I don't need love, sympathy or even a hug, I just need answers. My mind does not rest, and you know that. If you offer answers, then I'm gladly welcoming you. Lies are the last thing I need right now, it's only closure I'm after. Big thanks! See you around!
**Picture from: Google
